I hate school!

That is so weird for me to say.

I was a teacher for 13 years. I loved school all the way up to 5th grade and then again in college. I volunteered in Mi'ita's classes every year. When I was asked once what I liked best about my job, I said I loved all the hugs I got from my students. I only decided to homeschool because the local public school options tanked and there are no private school options here.

Mi'ita and I were roped into joining what would have been her 4th grade class on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Mrs. M is a great teacher. They are doing the fun things when we come--science and social studies. It's just that it's a scheduled activity that interrupts what we're doing. Today we were papermache-ing our 3 headed Cerberus for our fabulous Halloween party. I wanted to get some poster sized drawings of the different gods of the dead going and some captions to explain all this stuff. But no, we had no time because we had to go to school.

Mi'ita was ready to quit this morning, too. "Do we have to go?" I should have jumped on it and said, "NO! Let's just quit." But no, she had her TAG class (talented and gifted) that she loves and that I want her to continue, and then I said that we would go to Mrs. M's class one last time and tell her that we were quitting. Of course they were starting a new unit on rocks, which Mi'ita adores, strange child, so now she wants to continue again. And really, I know nothing about rocks (no interest, I confess) and I'd really like her to get more systematic and scientific about her interest in rocks--identifying them, classifying them, organizing them. Mrs. M is a big science teacher and so this is all good.

It's just that it interrupts everything!

Are you kidding?

I went to the doctor the other day. She asked me what I did for a living and I told her that I homeschooled. Then she told me that I must have so much patience. She didn't have the patience to do it.

Is she nuts?

My patience died two years ago. I remember the moment. Here I was teaching at a 7th-12th grade high school, ESOL. The principal had told the staff that we didn't have to worry about tardies. He would personally escort tardy students to our classrooms and that would be the end of that. It was 20 minutes after class started and I only had 3 students there. The rest were wandering the halls, taking their sweet time, with no interest in coming to class. I have no idea where the principal was.

I stood there and thought, "Why am I doing this?"

It took me another year and a half to give up. I tried this and that. New training, new tardy policies, new teaching methods, new grade level, new school, new staff. And then I just decided that I don't have the patience anymore. If the kids can't meet me halfway, I just can't cheerlead them into it.

Thirteen years ago, when I first started, I could do it. I had the patience. Eleven years ago, I could still do it. The last two years have squeezed all the patience out of me. The raisin in the sun. That's me.

And now I'm trying to teach my own child. With classes in her school over 35 students, I just felt like I had no choice.

I lose my temper a lot. I do things that I don't approve of, say things, use words that I know are hurtful. I've been that way increasingly as my patience oozed out. All the homeschooling books and magazines and articles that I've read keep saying that the personal attention, nurturing, and loving atmosphere is the key to the success of homeschooling.

Loving atmosphere?

Educational objectives are on the back burner right now. Loving atmosphere, joy of learning, calm environment, mom who doesn't lose her temper, that's the goal. Math if we can squeeze it in.

Okay, I can't give up the math, the Latin, or the writing, but seriously they are on the back burner to a mother who doesn't lose her temper.